Step 1: Handling the post break up phase with dignity
How you conduct yourself in the post break up phase will have a direct bearing on your chances of getting back with your ex. Unfortunately, most of us are so overwhelmed that we tend to mess up big time, diminishing all chances of a reconciliation.
You see, your objective for the first few weeks after the break up should not be about pondering over getting your ex back, rather you need to think about how to heal your wounded ego, self esteem and bleeding heart.
No Begging Please!
Do you really think begging is attractive? Would you want to be with a person who sheds tears at the drop of a hat and is perpetually needy? Well, if the resounding answer to those questions is a “no”, you can’t expect your ex to feel differently.
You want your ex boyfriend/girlfriend to see you in a positive light and remember all the good things about the relationship. Unfortunately, right after a break up, emotions are too raw on both sides of the fence. So, all he can see are the negative aspects of your association. Your goal should be to get him/her to forget those rough patches.
And, the best way to do so is by severing all contact for a while. Remember, no relationship ever got resurrected because the dumped partner managed to plead too well.
You have not ceased to exist just because you went through a breakup
An extremely important part of the post break up phase is to get yourself back together, mentally and emotionally. It is not abnormal to be thrust into a chasm of dark emotions like anxiety, guilt, sadness, fear, pain and longing after the demise of a relationship.
However, the pertinent thing is to get out of it. After all, not only are you doing your chances of getting back with your ex serious harm by holding on to these negative emotions, but also they can seriously hamper your ability to think straight.
There is absolutely no need to be at your ex’s beck and call, remember he/she left you and not vice versa. So, they are in no position to be demanding. By allowing your ex boyfriend/girlfriend to treat you like a doormat, you are simply prolonging the agony and sending out the wrong message.
If he/she wanted a subservient pet, your partner would already be back with you. But, if they are not, he/she is keeping his/her options open for something better, and that is a confident person who does not give a damn unless your ex warrants the attention.
Don’t make a person your priority when you are merely his/her contingency!
No contact means no contact!
This applies to all forms of digital communication, put yourself on a cell phone and SMS probation. In fact, delete your ex’s number from the contact’s list on your cell phone (Ok write it down somewhere lest you forget).
If you were prone to bugging your ex boyfriend/girlfriend insistently with your pleading calls and messages going along the lines of:
- Why did you do this to me?
- What was my fault?
- I love you so much so please take me back
- I am sorry but please take me back
You are inevitably damaging the association beyond repair. In fact, even if your ex calls you, keep your tone friendly and do not hash up old memories. You want him/her to believe that you have got your act together.
Often a breakup pushes people towards booze, so if you have been overdoing things on that front, it’s time to stop.
If you thought he/she was uninterested in your earlier, think about how your ex will react when he/she finds out that you have resorted to alcoholism to deal with your pain.
WARNING: Never talk to your ex when under the influence of alcohol, you are bound to blurt out all the wrong things when in an inebriated state.
Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend left you so he/she does not deserve your affection PERIOD
Whoever said that you have to wear your heart on your sleeve when getting your ex back, did not know the first thing about human relationships. The fact of the matter here is that he/she called the quits on your association. So, there is no need to smother your ex with your love.
Why not you ask? Simple, the person in question obviously does not want it!
However, that is no reason to be an uncivilized. If a chance meeting comes about (without any intervention from your side), let him/her suffice with a simple half smile. If your ex greets you, there is no need to refrain from basic social pleasantries.
However, under no circumstances should you talk about your relationship or what went wrong. Actually, don’t give him/her even a small scrap of information about what’s going on in your head or your life.
Too many I love you’s will only serve to drive your ex further away, so resist the urge to do anything of the sort.
Prepare yourself mentally to see your ex with a date
Well, it’s gonna happen eventually and you certainly don’t want to be left a freaked out mass of emotions when you see your ex hand in hand with another person. Why, both men and women are not below using jealousy. Unfortunately, in your heightened emotional state, you will be more susceptible to this psychological trigger, so keep your guard on and prepare yourself mentally for it.
If you see your ex boyfriend/girlfriend with a date, don’t march up to him/her with a barrage of accusations, instead ignoring him/her will be the best policy at this point.
Remember rebound relationships seldom amount to a serious association. And if he/she is testing the waters the very next day after the break up, you truly need to reassess your interest in this person.
So, what if you have already made all these mistakes and some more?
Don’t worry it’s never too late to do the right thing. Start on a fresh note right NOW and follow these tips like your life depends on them.
If you were calling him/her frantically till yesterday but have stopped suddenly this will without a doubt pique your ex’s interest. However, the important thing for you is to not give in to the trap of anticipation and disappointment.
Don’t expect your ex partner to call you with an urgency to know about your well being just because you have left him/her alone for a few days. If your behavior has made her curious, let the person stew in it for some time.
Step 2: Life goes on and it should!
Constantly reminding your ex of your relationship by initiating obviously fixed up chance meetings will get you nowhere. So, if your brain is flooded with questions borne out of fear like:
- What if he/she forgets all about me?
- What if he/she moves on?
- What if I am too late?
STOP right there. Your ex is not going to forget about you and you are not too late unless he/she gets into a serious relationship or even a betrothal. So, relax!
You can’t you say?
OK let me tell you why things stand a good chance of working out.
It’s simple biology, you guys were together, weren’t you?
Well, that in itself was Mother Nature’s way of shoving her very own equation of biological compatibility in your faces. We human beings are not all that different from animals as we would have ourselves believe. You know how you see all those programs on Discovery channel showing animals searching for a mate who is their equal?
The principal also applies to the human dating game. If you guys went beyond the first few dates to forge a relationship, you are obviously biological equals. So, there is STILL hope and things can be mended just by virtue of that fact.
Get over him/her heart, mind and body
Appreciate and love yourself and others will follow suit.
This is a very crucial mantra of life and it is integral to all human happiness. So, get out there and get your mind off this sordid tragedy
What can you possibly do?
If you have a hobby indulge in it, if not get yourself one. Anything that perks your interest will do, from painting to sailing or even dancing. I took salsa lessons and that worked like a charm for me.
So, if you have always wanted to do something but the trappings of life left you with little time for fun, now is your chance to get out there and enjoy yourself.
This may sound harsh, but it is the bitter truth of life that will do you a world of good- You have been through a break up, you are NOT dead, so stop feeling like that!
Take care of yourself
Eat healthily, I know it is going to be a chore to get even a few morsels down for the first couple of days. So, grant yourself the occasional treat but don’t go overboard, the last thing you need to do is pile on the pounds.
In fact, undertaking a fitness regimen is not such a bad idea. Even something simple like jogging or yoga will be able to put your spirits in high gear.
At this point you will be more mentally prepared to think rationally
If thoughts like –
- I will die if I don’t get him/her back
- I will never be able to love again
- There is no point to living anymore
- I will never find somebody as good as him/her
have been bogging you down, start thinking rationally. With your emotions reined in, this should be a bit easier.
Simple psychological steps to feeling good about yourself include:
Affirmations: Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself you are happy, confident and beautiful. Use “I” statements, so look yourself in the eyes and say, “I feel happy, confident and beautiful” and repeat twenty times. Do this the first thing in the morning.
Go for a change: The old is generally associated with the dreary while new things will help you to see things in a new perspective, so do something different. Change your hairstyle or go for a new style of clothing (without burning up your credit card) or take a quick vacation.
Accept the bounties of life
Look around you, there is simply too much agony in this world for you to be mopping over a breakup. Yes, you are bound to feel some pain but don’t let things get out of your hands. Accept the beautiful things that life has to offer. Get out there, make new friends and socialize. You are not a hermit, so STOP living like one.
Step 3: Analyze why things went downhill
Once you feel the pain ebbing away, you will be in the right place to analyze what went wrong. Remember to take an impartial view. When relationships break, the blame usually lies with both parties, so analyze what went wrong with an open mind. Ask yourself questions like:
- When did the first few cracks become evident?
- Did the whole thing come out of the left field? If yes, why?
- Is there something you have missed?
- What was your role in the break up?
- Did your ex ever give off signs of being dissatisfied? If not, why not?
Make a list of all the troubled spots, everything that made you launch into an argument and every aspect that escalated into a full blown fight. Self improvement will not only accentuate your chances of getting back with your ex but will also make you feel great about yourself.
It is vital to understand that men and women have different emotional and even physical requirements from a relationship. Unfortunately to err is only human and there may have been points when either or both of you may have crossed boundaries that strained the relationship.
No, we are not going to use the “I have changed for you” tactic here because that does not work. The truth and nothing but that is emotionally charged decisions like break ups cannot be changed by logic. Matters of the heart are rarely influenced by the brain.
Important questions to ask yourself
- Did a blazing row lead to the break up?
- Was it an impromptu, spur-of-the-moment decision?
- Was it carefully planned with a deftly executed speech?
It is imperative to understand that while it is possible to get your ex back, your success will largely depend on how things ended.
So, why do you want him/her back?
Don’t deny it, you ego must have been trampled on when your ex decided to call the end of the relationship. So, ask yourself, why do you want your ex boyfriend/girlfriend back? Is it because you really feel that he is right for you or is this person the proverbial forbidden fruit, the one that got away?
Some serious soul searching will help you to make the right decision. After all, you cannot be barging in on your ex a la Dustin Hoffman demanding that he be with you now and always.
- Think rationally, did your partner really contribute to your feeling of being complete?
- Did he/she affect the quality of your life?
- Were you really happy with him/her?
A lot of men and women discover they are better out of the relationship than in it once the emotional windfall subsides. Just some food for thought.
Step 4: Initiate Contact
Now that you have gained firm control over your errant emotions, it’s time to initiate contact with your ex. The time between the break up and this stage can vary from one couple to another. But, it would be safe to suggest that it should not be less than 2 months
Get in touch
There are a myriad of ways to do so, from emails to hand written letters and from text messages to a note on their Facebook wall or even the humble answering machine.
The mode of contact is not important but what you say definitely is. You want him/her to call back, don’t you?
Don’t start the way you would with a long lost friend. He/She is your ex and your ex won’t expect you to call just out of a natural borne curiosity regarding his/her life. If you have any such yearnings, control them.
Make it about self interest and curiosity. So something along the lines of-
Female:
Hi Michael, this is Nikki and I just wanted to thank you for this thing you did for me and I would like to do so in person, so plz call me.”Or
Male:
“Hi Nikki, it’s Michael, you seem to have left something that you considered very important with me, so I would like to talk about it. Let me know when and where.”
See, what you are doing here is telling your ex that it is in his/her best interest to talk to you, essentially evoking your ex’s sense of curiosity. At the end of this message, he/she will probably be wracking his brains over what exactly has he done or left with you.
So, the likelihood of getting a call back is very high.
The meeting
I am going to reiterate, do not hash up old wounds, you can only drag a dead horse so long, get yourself a new one instead.
Your meeting should be short and sweet, certainly not a dinner date. Now, even if you have been on a self imposed vow of celibacy, whatever you do, DO NOT GET INTO BED WITH YOUR EX.
Just catch up with some casual chit chat over a coffee and say whatever you are there to say.
If your opener involved what your ex did for you, say he/she taught you that it is important for you to listen to and not ignore the needs of the people you love and you want to thank him/her for that.
If you went with the ‘important thing’ message, tell your ex that you are there to thank him/her for the feeling of self respect and self appreciation that he/she managed to invoke in you.
Do not forget to subtly hint that there is nothing wrong with life and you are happy with things just the way they are. Remember, few things are as attractive as a truly happy person.
Go back to the grass roots of the relationship
Make sure that you are the person you were when the relationship started. If something about you had made him/her go head over heels, this would be a good time to dig out those items from the closet of your heart and home.
For instance, if he/she liked your spontaneous and humorous nature which disappeared along the way, try to be your jovial self at the meeting.
Even if it is something simple like a shirt that he/she complimented you on, use it as a vantage point.
A sorry does not make you a lesser person.
If you need to apologize for something, say it without being overtly emotional about it. It is vital to understand that people in a committed relationship are always more open to apologizing. So, why not follow their lead? After all, they have got it right.
Step 5: Make your “Ex” come to you
While these tips and techniques will get you to the point where you will be able to meet your ex boyfriend/girlfriend, you will need to step up the efforts to ensure that the encounter does not turn into a one off event. You want him/her to make the next move and see how much you have changed and how he/she really wants you back.
For this, you will need some psychological persuasion. Now, there are a lot of self professed relationship gurus who dole out half baked advice and on top of their list is always jealousy. While a strong emotion that can work sometimes, if not used correctly, jealousy can cause a break up to become permanent.
Instead, why not use other positive emotions like possessiveness and the sense of longing or even comfort level to your advantage. There are several ways to manipulate these emotions, so you leave your ex hungering for more.
After all, re-attraction plays an integral role in the resurrection of a relationship. Fortunately, I found some incredibly valuable insights:
Breakups are not carved in stone, in fact almost 50% of the people who go through a breakup or even an estrangement and divorce come back later to find that they were happiest when together. The important thing is to not give up hope.
To your Success
Lynn D. McGreevey
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